Excuses, excuses, excuses . . .

The human mind is an amazingly powerful tool. But part of that power is the power to rationalize. It’s very tempting, and very easy, to let ourselves off the hook, not follow through on something we intended to do, or otherwise flake out. And after the fact, our brains go into overdrive coming up with perfectly logical reasons for the flake out. “Hey, the reason I overslept this morning and didn’t exercise is that sleep is really important for health.” Ok, that sounds logical. But logic won’t get the flab off. “The reason I ditched my plan to go out and try to meet women last night is I really needed to catch up on my email. I can’t just let it pile up.” Sure, that makes sense. Except it’s keeping you from getting the results you want.

Which points to a solution I’m going to suggest. The next time you find yourself rationalizing or making excuses, no matter how trivial, I want you to stop. Place that rational thought under arrest for a moment. Put it in a holding cell. It will be screaming that it has rights and wants to talk to its attorney, but just ignore it for now. Ok? Now ask yourself, what is my objective? Is my objective to sleep more or lose weight? Is my objective to check email more often or go out and meet women more often? Do I want to improve my socializing skills? How can I accomplish that? What path gets me there quicker?

Stay focused on your objectives. Back in high school when I was a band nerd, our band director had a sign on the door of his office that said, “Results, not excuses.” That sure stopped you in your tracks when you were coming in to explain why you couldn’t make the big concert, or hadn’t practiced your part.

Our brains are powerful tools, but don’t let the tool take control. Focus your mind like a laser beam on your objectives, and single mindedly pursue them. Let that laser blast away excuses and forge a path to the results you desire. You can make it happen. You’ve got everything you need right now.

Good luck.

The Game is Played in the Field

I was looking through my copy of Mystery Method and hit this section, which I thought I'd toss up on the blog for your edification.

The Game is not played on a computer or the Internet. It's not played in a book. It's played in the real world, with real people and real situations. Only through repeated practice in the field can we gain intuition and skill. Over time, these methods become habitual. Once internalized over a few disciplined weeks, it is in fact easier to keep doing them than to stop.

Focus on building your skill, not on getting laid or meeting your new girlfriend. Think of it like you are learning a new video game.

Don't obsess over a particular woman. Forget about that girl you have been pining over for the past three months.

Don't bother getting good at fixing things in the damage zone. It's easier to attract a new woman than it is to fix things when they go wrong with your existing target. (When things go right, attraction is created in seconds or minutes, and sex occurs in four to ten hours.)

Some good advice. He's actually packed a lot in here. Let's break it down a bit.
1. Get off your butt and go practice your game in the real world. That's where you'll really learn how to do this stuff.
2. Focus on learning and improving, not on getting laid.
3. Start fresh. Instead of putting energy into that one girl you've been wanting to nail, just get out and meet lot's of new women. Work on your skills.

All good stuff. I see a lot of newbies drawn to PUA because there's this "one girl" they've been working on, and they haven't made any progress, or they've gotten stuck. Nothing wrong with that, but what if you dropped her for a month and met 100 new women instead of working on her. Would that get her attention, seeing you with a new woman every time she passes you by? Would the total freeze out get her attention? Only one way to find out, my friends. The Game is played in the field, so that's where you need to be.

Good luck.

PUA Overdose? Empty your cup.

A professor visited a Zen Master, hoping to learn about Zen. "May I get you some tea?" asked the Master, showing the Professor into his den and offering him a seat. "Yes, thank you, I'd appreciate that," said the Professor.The Master poured the tea from a large teapot into the cup, and continued pouring the tea as the cup filled and ran over the side onto the table, and then onto the floor. The Master continued pouring the tea. The Professor finally jumped and yelled, "STOP, the cup is overfull, the tea is pouring all over the floor." The Master put the teapot down, and said to the Professor, "Before I can teach you about Zen, you must first empty your cup."

So first off, we've learned a valuable lesson. If you visit a Zen Master, wear your galoshes. But seriously now folks, what's this story all about? I see many people who are new to PUA take the same route. Often they start off reading “The Game”. They want to take the same path that Neil Strauss did, they want to learn every style of PUA. Soon they are reading every eBook and listening to every MP3 out there. This causes two problems. First, when do they have time to practice what they read? Second, once they have the chance, which style should they use? Some people end up with the full cup syndrome, there’s no room left to learn because the cup is already full, or overflowing.

So how does one empty the cup? I find meditation extremely helpful in returning me to “beginner’s mind.” This is the state of not knowing, just being. Forget everything you’ve learned and just be in this moment, totally free and without preconception or judgment. From that place of total freedom you can do anything. Even approach that HB10 over there.

There is a great deal to be learned out there, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Keep an open mind, and try to be spontaneous in your approach. Leave room in the cup for new experiences so you continue to experiment and learn.

To learn more about Zen meditation and meeting women, I encourage you to buy my book, “The Zen of Meeting Women”.

The “Pre-Sarge Meditation” – getting in the right frame of mind

Sarge – 1. verb: to pick up women, or to go out to try and meet women. 2. noun: a woman who has been picked up. Origin: Aardvark.

-"The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists", by Neil Strauss

Everyone has their own way of getting psyched up before going out to meet women. Here’s a special meditation I’ve come up with to get you in the right frame of mind. Try it out and see for yourself if it should be part of your pre-sarge routine.

Sit in a comfortable position. If you’re in a chair, sit forward and don’t lean against the back, just sit up. Hands in your lap or in the “cosmic mudra.” Eyes closed most of the way, but not completely, head tilted slightly down. Take a deep breath, then let your breathing become normal. Be aware of it, but don’t control it.

Be aware of the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing right now, in anticipation of going out to meet women. There might be good stuff and bad stuff, but don’t evaluate it. Just be aware of it. Perhaps you feel elated, excited, nervous, worried, anxious, confused. Don’t dwell on any one feeling, emotion, or thought. Just be aware of them, like watching clouds floating by. Acknowledge each one, and let it go. Continue to be aware of your breathing as you do this. Your attention will drift back and forth, that’s ok. Just come back from time to time to your breathing. This will help make sure you aren’t attaching to and getting lost in any one thought or emotion. Let it all happen.

You should do this for at least 5 minutes, and no more than 20 if you’re new to meditation. If you’re an experienced meditator, use your own judgment. When you are done, stand up and see if you are still in the moment, still in that space where you can be aware without attaching or judging. Can you carry this with you? Can you bring it back?

While you are out meeting women, at any point in the process you can just take a deep breath to revisit this frame of mind. It’s a great space to be. It is not something fake we are trying to use to cover up feelings. It is your own true nature.

One last note for those who are new to meditation. Don’t worry about whether you are doing this “right” or not, or whether you should be feeling some certain way. There is no wrong way. Whatever you are feeling or thinking during this meditation, acknowledge it and let it go. That’s all.

Good luck.

The book is on sale right now!

I'm very happy with how the book proof from the printer looks, and I'm excited to say the book is on sale. Grab it fast, folks.

I'd love to hear comments from people who buy it. The pre-release comments I got were very favorable. I think this book sums up a lot of the material out there, and adds a new layer with Zen, turning it into a much more powerful PUA technique. I also think the step by step approach will make it easy for anyone to follow. Let me know your thoughts, and as always,
Good luck.

Non-attachment and the Zen of meeting women

Swallows fly in the sky,
The water reflects their images.
The swallows leave no traces,
Nor does the water retain their images.

Ok, what the heck does that mean, and what’s it got to do with meeting women? Good question. To get to the answer, we need to examine non-attachment. This is a very important concept in Zen, and a very important concept if you want to improve your skills meeting women.

Many pickup artists know this intuitively and will tell you to adopt a “makes no difference to me” attitude when approaching women. If they’re interested in talking to you great, if not, that’s fine too. While this is helpful, it is not quite there. First of all, you do care, so pretending you don’t, either to the woman or to yourself, is creating an inconsistency that can mess up your “Game.” Second, this “I don’t care” medicine isn’t strong enough, we want the real deal. The real deal is non-attachment.

So what is non-attachment? It means letting go of attachments, it means living in the moment. It means not clinging to your ideas of how things should be, but being flexible enough to live in reality, see how things are in this moment, and act based on that reality. It does NOT mean apathy. It does not mean telling yourself you don’t care. You do care, and that’s fine. Be aware of that caring, be aware of that part of yourself that desires a specific outcome. But don’t let that part rule your perceptions and thoughts. Instead, acknowledge it at the same time that you allow yourself to be aware of how things truly are.

If this all sounds like some mystical mumbo jumbo, that’s because words can only point to the concept I’m trying to explain, but they can’t get you all the way there. You have to make the final leap yourself, and taste this for yourself. So let’s start with a thought experiment. Imagine you are walking along outside on a beautiful day. You’re feeling good. Suddenly, you see an angry man yelling at another man. He’s swearing up a storm. You stand off at a distance and just watch and listen. You care about what’s happening, but you don’t know these people, and you don’t have an emotional investment in this argument. Now let’s change things. The yelling person is your boss, or someone else in your life, standing a few feet away and yelling at you. This is a very different feeling. Now your body reacts. Blood pressure goes up. Your mind races to think of come backs, excuses, ways to calm this person down or get out of this situation. Perhaps you think, “what the heck is wrong with him, what an idiot.” Perhaps you get angry.

In both scenarios the same thing is happening, just one person yelling at another. But in the second situation you are far more likely to attach to your feelings. What if you could stay present in the moment, fully aware of the situation, without letting your reactions dominate your thoughts. Rather, you could observe the situation in the same way you would observe the two people at a distance, able to think and react clearly, without attaching to your own anger or defensiveness.

Let’s make this even more concrete and take a situation familiar to us all. You are approaching a woman you see sitting on a park bench, reading. She’s beautiful. You notice the book is one that you’ve read, and you already have a great opener planned in your mind. You rehearse it over and over as you approach. Suddenly she looks up, frowns at you and say, “get away from me, can’t you see I’m reading. Go bother someone else.” Wow. What are you feeling now? What are you thinking? Will this negative experience prevent you from approaching women in the future? Will it add to your approach anxiety? Only if you attach to those feelings and thoughts. You can be aware of what she said, and aware of the feelings that initially come up inside you, but still stay flexible and aware in the moment. If you stay non-attached, instead of busying your mind with negative reactions, it can come up with a response in that moment. Perhaps you say, “Yeah, I feel that way when I’m reading too, but I’ve never had the nerve to say it out loud. You must really love that book. I think I read it in about 2 days I enjoyed it so much.” There’s no guarantee you can pull out of this crash and burn, but aren’t your chances substantially improved than if you’d just walked away dejected? Even if she continues to be rude, at least when you decide it’s time to give up on her you can walk away knowing you tried your best, and learn whatever lesson there is to be learned from the experience.

This is just one example. Don’t attach to it. Apply the principle to your own life in whatever situations you find yourself in. Try it for yourself and see what happens. Non-attachment is freedom. It quiets the “monkey mind” and lets you live consistently with your true nature. It is an important step on the path of Zen, and will help you immeasurably as you approach and meet women.

Good luck.

Break through your barriers and work on your "Game"

Some women will only go out with guys who are taller than they are. I'm pretty short myself, so I've had to deal with this barrier. Like all other barriers, it's not impossible to get past, but it's an issue to be dealt with. There are also women who just won't date outside their own race, regardless of what that race is. Another barrier that can be gotten past with work.

All in all, I think each of us tend to focus on the barriers that come up most often for us, and see those as The Impenetrable Wall. It can become our excuse for not getting together with more women. In some cases, it can be the excuse for not even trying.

The great thing about learning how to approach and meet women is realizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses coming into this, but there are areas you have control over and can improve. I can spend all my time wishing I were taller, or spend the same time working on my approach, working on building attraction, working on projecting confidence, working on all of the pieces of the puzzle that improve with practice.

Work on your "Game". Build the skills that will help you break through your barriers, or make them fade away altogether.

Good luck.

Which opener is right for you?

There are lots of tried and true openers out there. For some people, having a memorized opener is essential, or they fear they will freeze up. I'm all for using what works for you, but it's important at some point to start coming up with your own openers. In the end, the best openers are the ones you come up with yourself, in the moment. You look over, see a woman you want to meet, and notice something about her, the location, or what she's doing that you can riff on. To use a simple example, you see her putting on lipstick. You could say, "hey, when you're done with that can I use it?" Smile so she knows your joking.

Try to wean yourself off the canned opener and start coming up with something organic to the situation. These will always feel more natural and knowing you can do this anytime, anywhere, will help build your confidence.

Good luck!

Approach Anxiety and the HB10

Some of us have worked on our "Game" enough that we can approach good looking women, but stall out and crash when we see a "10". A totally hot girl can definitely flip some switches in the old Lizard Brain, causing you to revert to AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) status in a hurry.

Here's one approach that might work in such a situation. The idea is to be honest about the fact that you're a little nervous to talk to this woman. But there's a catch. You're going to use that as a way to demonstrate higher value. How? Here's one scenario:

You see "HB10" walking your way, or standing next to you at party, or whatever. You can feel the old anxiety come up, but you force yourself to approach and say . . .

You: Oh god, I can't even talk to you
HB10: Why not?
You: I get too nervous around women I like. It's too bad too, because you seem really friendly. But now I'll never get to meet you.
HB10: Why do you get so nervous around women?
You: I'm scared you'll find out I'm a millionaire and then just marry me for my money instead of my personality. (or some other joke that does NOT lower your value. Be sure to smile so she knows you're joking)

And continue the conversation from there. Don't put yourself down.

So let me break this down.
You say something that will get her interest and let her know that you're a little nervous.
But that just makes you that much cooler for breaking through your nervousness and approaching her, so it actually demonstrates that you're a cool guy and interested in her.
You also tied your interest in her to the fact that she seems "really friendly", not just her looks.

Think this through and see if you can incorporate it into those situations where you might otherwise be too nervous to approach. Sometimes, saying your nervous is the best way to get beyond that nervousness and get into a conversation.

Good luck!

To Neg or not to Neg

"Negging" is playful teasing of the girl you're interested in. It's commonly used in a situation where she is with her friends, and you're trying to get her "shield" down by playing like you aren't interested in her. It can also be used to create a playful dynamic with her. But for many people, negging just backfires. The girl feels insulted and loses interest.

So that brings us to the question, to Neg or not to Neg?

Consider just not negging at all. I think negging is over-rated and frequently done wrong. You need to establish the right playful dynamic and have some foundation of attractio and comfort built before you throw a neg. And at that point, why bother? In other words, there really is no good time for a neg. Again, just my opinion.

Mystery, one of the most famous of the pickup artists, uses negs all the time and has success with them (unless you measure success as long term relationships, based on The Game). If you watch Mystery in action, you can see that he creates a context in which a neg will be taken the right way, he's acting like a big brother when he does it. This is hard to pull off right. If you can do it, it establishes a closeness because only someone close to you would dare throw a neg.

But for most people I would advise not using negs. I think there are other safer and easier ways to establish a quick connection that feel more natural for more people.

If negs are working for you, go for it. But if you're pissing girls off with your negs, I'd leave it behind and work on other parts of your game.

Good luck.

The book will be out soon

The current plan is to have the new book, "The Zen of Meeting Women", ready for purchase by the end of November. The proof is on the way to me right now for review. If all is well, it might be available a little early. Fingers crossed.

As always, visit this blog for the latest updates.

Welcome to "The Zen of Meeting Women" blog

I'll be posting answers to questions, progress on publication of the new book, tips, tricks, and general PUA gossip here. Stay tuned, it should be fun.