The Zen of One-itis

The Zen of Oneitis

What’s the number one issue I get asked about? “There’s this one girl I have a crush on, how do I get her?” If you’re stuck on one girl and searching the PUA forums for the secret trick that will win her over, you’ve got “one-itis,” also known as 1itis. 

What is one-itis?

It’s an obsession with one girl, to the point that you feel you absolutely must win her over. She must be yours. 

The good thing about one-itis

I know it sounds crazy to say, but there is one good thing about one-itis. It’s what draws many people to learn more about how to improve their skills with women. And it frequently leads them to a place where they are creating abundance in their lives rather than obsessing over one woman. 

What’s the cure for one-itis?

Embark on a path that leads you away from neediness and obsession, away from attachment and towards a clearer vision of reality. There are many women in the world. The one that you are obsessing over may be a rare specimen, but what’s more likely true is that you have placed her high on a pedestal. This alone is a turn off to most women, and makes it impossible for you to relate to her as a real person. Instead, you are reacting to and seeking the false image that you’ve created of this person in your own mind. The perfect glowing wonderfulness exists only in your mind. In reality, she is a person who pees and farts and grows old and dies. What you are obsessing over is a veneer, it’s an illusion. 

One of the best ways to stop getting caught in attachment is to be aware of it, and one of the best ways to achieve this is through daily meditation. I’ve already posted about how to do this, and I suggest you read that post. 

But beyond meditation, you need to improve your social skills and specifically your skills with women. You need to realize that by getting outside your head, by being one with the moment, by being present and real, you will achieve far more success with women. 

Abundance

Ask yourself, if I were dating 5 other women right now, would I be as obsessed about this one girl? If the answer is no, then why are you torturing yourself over her. Go date those 5 other women. Or 10 or 20. Or just one for that matter, but one that you really see for who she is, not the object of obsession and attachment.

If the answer is, yes, I’d still want her and only her, no other woman could ever take her place, well I frankly have a hard time believing that, but ok. Let’s say that she’s it. Your soul mate. But she just doesn’t see it for some reason. I can guarantee you that you’ll have a better chance of attracting her if she sees you as successful with women than unsuccessful with women. Why? 

Imagine a bum comes up to you with his hand out, asking for money. Now imagine a well-dressed man comes up to you and tells you a funny joke. One is seeking value, the other offering value. One is approaching because he wants something from you. This is repellant. The other doesn’t want anything at all except to share something of value he already has. This is attractive.

If you already have success with women in your life, and yet you still approach her and talk to her, she knows that you are not doing so from a place of neediness, but from a place of genuine interest in connecting with who she really is. You see something of value in her that represents her reality, not just her boobs. This is very flattering and very attractive to a woman. 

Yeah, but, how do I get this one girl?

Some people are so stuck inside their own attachment and obsession, you can show them the way out and they just won’t see it. They would rather dwell in these strong emotions, never realizing that they are the ones creating them and entrapping themselves within. 

There are many great women out there. There are many great experiences awaiting you. There are specific things you can do to improve your interactions and success with women. For the nuts and bolts of that process, I obviously recommend my book, The Zen of Meeting Women. 

The important thing to remember is, you already have everything you need right now to bring a great woman into your life. But there is a lot of clutter and old habits that need to be swept away first. Embark on that journey and keep moving forward, even when it feels like you’re not making the progress you want. Jump over each hurdle, even if you trip and fall over a few. 

There is a great deal of suffering in this world, but there is a way out of suffering, and part of that is seeing clearly how much of our own suffering is self-created. Obsession and attachment lead to suffering. See them for what they are, learn how to stop spinning in that circle, start moving forward, and you will travel to places you never imagined. You will live a life of freedom and abundance.

Start now

The difference between 1 and 0

Some days you don’t feel like going out at all. You just want to lie on the couch and veg out. All day. The problem is this can become your daily routine very easily. You need to push yourself to go out because staying in is so much easier. 

But if you stay in, it’s pretty much 100% guaranteed that you will not meet any new women, you will not improve your game, and you will not advance in the process of becoming the man you want to be.

Now imagine if you make this deal with yourself: I’m just going to go to the grocery store, or the book store, or anywhere I know there will be at least a few women around. And I will make at least one approach. It can just be a quick comment. But I have to reach out at least one time, outside my personal little bubble, and connect with another breathing human. Then I can go home and veg out. 

Two things will happen. First, you have just increased you chances of meeting a woman and improving your skills infinitely. One is not just a little bit more than zero. It’s the difference between no possibility of success and a universe of possibility and success. It’s the difference between death and life. If you plant a seed, it may or may not grow. But if you don’t plant one, you know for a fact you’re getting nothing. 

Make every day a one, not a zero. Every day, no matter what, approach at least one woman. Smile. Say hi. Tell her you like her style. Tell her you read that book she’s reading and you really liked it. Even if you just ask for directions, it’s still better than nothing. It’s still a one instead of a zero. It moves you that much closer to your goals. It moves you one step forward in this process of constant improvement and learning. 

Oh, and I said two things would happen. The second thing is after your first approach you might suddenly feel like making more approaches. In which case, keep going. One is the beginning, not the end. Keep going, every day, day after day, until you reach your goals. Then set new goals, and keep going. Keep going until you run out of days. Between now and then, make every day a great one.

When to follow rules and when to follow your gut

So when are rules good or bad? . . . I'm confused, is there a way to tell when to follow Game and when to act naturally?

This is a great question and really gets to the heart of what this process is about. I'd have to say, the newer one is to pickup, the more likely that rules will help him avoid/change past behavior that was hurting his chances of success. But over time, it's good to experiment with replacing these with rules of your own. 

Something like the 3 second rule is probably a good one to follow regardless of what system you use, even a totally natural style. It forces you to dive in. Even if it results in you starting the day/night with a crappy set, that will remind you that a crappy set isn't as bad as standing there trying to come up with things to say while she walks off with her friends. 

In the end I think the underlying concepts behind the rules are more important than the rules. So you mention don't call twice so you don't seem needy. The important thing here is, don't seem needy. But for newbies, if you tell them this they'll just say, "ok, how do I not seem needy." They've been rehearsing needy for a long time and need a "rule" to force a behavior change.

Rules are training wheels, and eventually you just won't need them because you know how to balance the bike. And that's when the real fun begins.

How to meditate

Here, for the first time anywhere online, is a brief exert from my book, The Zen of Meeting Women:

How to meditate

Meditation is very easy, and the more you do it, the easier it gets. I suggest you start out meditating 5 minutes a day, every day. Then increase that to 10 minutes, and so on, until you get to about 30 or 40 minutes a day. If that’s too much, do it for less time, but do it every day. You’ll realize the best results that way. Better you should meditate 5 minutes a day, every day, than 40 minutes every other day. Make this a part of your life. Here’s what you need to do:

Sit in a comfortable stable position

You don’t have to sit in a full lotus position, although if you can, that’s a very stable position to sit in. If you choose to do a full lotus, use a thick pillow to sit on so your butt is higher than your knees, and your knees are on the floor. There are other positions you can use on the floor such as half lotus and Burmese. To learn more, take a look at the pictures at:

http://www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php
 

If you don’t want to sit on the floor, sit on a chair. You still might want a pillow, it can help get you in a comfortable position. Sit slightly forward on the chair, and don’t lean back against the backrest.

The important thing is to find a stable sitting position that won’t have you squirming around and fidgeting. You need to sit still and breathe, so find a position that allows that.

Head tilted slightly down

Your head should be facing forward and tilted slightly down. This should feel comfortable and natural. If your head is tilted so far down that it’s interfering with your breathing, you’re tilting too much.

Eyes almost closed

Your eyes should be almost but not quite shut. Look at a spot on the floor a few feet in front of you. This should feel comfortable, not strained.

Hands in cosmic mudra

Your hands should be resting in your lap, right hand first with the palm up, then left hand on top, of the right, palm up. Your thumbs should be close but not quite touching, with enough space to just pass a sheet of paper between them. This hand position is called the cosmic mudra. There are other mudras, but this one is good for our purposes. It also has the coolest name.

One way to check if you’ve got your mind on your meditation is to check the thumbs. If they are pressed together or are far apart, get them back in the right spot, almost touching, and continue.

Back upright and comfortable

Your back should be upright, but don’t strain to make it perfectly straight or arched. Just sit up in a comfortable position. This might take some practice. Before you start meditating, you can rock from side to side till you find the mid-point. Then rock forward and back in ever decreasing arcs to find the balance point in the middle. Don’t slump forward as this will affect your breathing. Don’t tighten the back muscles as this will get painful fast. Over time this will become easier. In the beginning it will take a bit of trial and error. It’s all part of the process, so don’t let it stress you out.

Breathe down to your belly

Many of us get in the bad habit of breathing into our chest rather than all the way down to our belly. Your stomach should gently rise and fall as you breathe. Don’t try to slow down your breathing, just breathe at a comfortable rate and be aware of your breathing. You can focus either on the feeling of the air going in and out of your nose, or the feeling of the air making your belly rise and fall. As your meditation continues your breathing will naturally slow down. That’s fine. Don’t try to control it, just be aware of it. How does it feel? Your breath is always with you, so it’s a nice thing to focus on. All living things are breathing with you, even the trees and the grass. The universe is breathing.

Mind aware of thoughts

Your mind will do its normal thing, which is to think think think. You will get distracted, and ride off on this tangent and that. That’s going to happen. Once you become aware of it, gently bring your mind back to your breathing. Ultimately, you will be able to see your thoughts floating by like clouds, rather than getting wrapped up in them and carried off. This takes time and is a process of constant improvement. Don’t worry if you keep getting distracted. Just come back to the breathing. Again, don’t let any of this stress you out. From the very first moment you sit to meditate, you are doing it right, and will continue to improve.

Count your breaths

One way to keep your mind focused on your breathing is to count each breath. At first, you can count up from 1 to 10, counting each in and each out breath. Then start over at 1. This is harder than it sounds, but will become easier.

When that becomes easy, which could take weeks or months, start counting just the out breaths, 1 to 10, 1 to 10, on and on. Really focus on each number as you say it silently in your head.

Breathe in, then out: ooooonnnnneeee.

Breathe in, then out: twoooooooooooo.

And so on. If you lose the count, and you will from time to time, start over at 1. This is not a contest, it is a process. It becomes easier with practice, and you’ll find it another great way to monitor how well you’re focusing on your breathing rather than getting lost in thoughts.

Eventually, you might want to stop counting, but some people continue this for years. This is still real meditation, even if you do the counting.

Problems you might encounter

Feeling uncomfortable

At first, just sitting still for this long will be hard. Your body wants to move around. But only by quieting the body can you quiet the mind. Sit very still, and focus on your breathing and your counting. Stay with it. This does get easier, but only if you stick with it.

Itching

If you feel an itch, focus on it. What does it feel like? What is an itch? Don’t try to make it go away, just let your mind focus on it. Don’t scratch. If you scratch one itch, another pops up somewhere else, and so on. Just let it go. This is very hard to do. It’s also great training for focusing the mind and staying in the moment. You can be aware of what’s happening without it controlling you. Right? Keep at it.

Lost in thoughts

This is the biggy, and although I’ve already mentioned it, I want to emphasize that your brain just isn’t going to shut up. What it will do, eventually, is calm down. Rather than hurling 50 ideas per second at you, it might just be an occasional thought, floating by. You can be aware of that thought, consider it, and let it go. Effortlessly. This takes time. Meditate every day and you will see progress. If you find yourself getting lost in thoughts, do not get angry at yourself or scold yourself. This is part of the process. You’re human. Humans think a lot. You’ll be amazed how much thinking your brain does. It’s really something. Let it do its thing, you do your thing, and it will all work out.

Other types of meditation

There are many types of meditation, perhaps thousands. I’m teaching you one. It’s all you’ll ever need. If you want to try other kinds, be my guest. I would warn, however, that if you are under active psychiatric care, you should consult with your psychiatrist before getting into meditation. The type of meditation I’m teaching you is called Zazen, and if you go to a Zen temple this is the type of meditation you’ll see people doing. Eventually, you can leave off the number counting and just sit. Or you can focus on solving a koan, which is a sort of Zen riddle. If any of this interests you, I want to remind you; life is short. Don’t wait for “some day” to seek out a Zen teacher. Do it today and learn more. It’s a great way to meet people. And meeting people is a good way to work on the social skills that you’ll be using as we progress through this book.

See how it all connects? Start noticing that more in your life. The universe is one big happening and we’re all part of it. Just a big stew of atoms floating around. If you don’t want to study Zen, study physics and astronomy. It’s practically the same thing.

Whoops, see how my mind got lost on a tangent. Weird. Let’s get back to business. While we’re on the subject of meditation, I want to briefly tell you about another type of meditation that might interest you, and then I’m going to give you your first assignment.

Mindfulness meditation is being aware or “mindful” of stuff. What stuff? You know . . . stuff! Trees, birds, grass, sky, table, the taste of your food, how it feels to walk, how the wind sounds rustling the leaves. Feel free to experiment with focusing on something in your immediate surroundings for a while, it can be very relaxing. But that’s not the assignment. That’s extra credit. The assignment is as follows.

First of all, I want you to start meditating every day. Give it a try. Come on, humor me. Second of all, for one whole day I want you to focus on people. People you pass on the sidewalk, people you interact with, people you see driving by. What do they look like? How do they stand, walk, sit? What do they tell you with their body language, with their posture, with their expression and tone of voice? Could they change any of these things if they wanted to? Would it change your reaction to them? Can you change these things about yourself? How is your posture, expression, tone of voice? Can you consciously change them? For how long? What are your “default” settings? Pay attention to this stuff and think about it. This is important stuff. We communicate an awful lot to each other without even opening our mouths. Humans are very perceptive. Tap into that and see what you learn from the process. You might want to carry a notebook and write down your observations. You might make this a daily habit.

One more thing. If you happen to see a woman you like, notice what it is about her that caught your eye. Her hair? Her smile? Her body? The way she moves? Her energy? Was she laughing? What attracted you? Why? Did you manage to catch her eye? How did that feel? Was there a little charge of electricity? Fear? Excitement? Be aware of this stuff. You aren’t trying to change your natural reactions. Just become aware of them.

In summary then; be aware.

Now.

She was just . . . 17

I got a question from a guy dating a 17 year old. She was getting flakey, avoiding meeting with him, then acting interested, then being flakey again. Here was my advice:

She probably has no idea what she wants, or is confused about what she wants, or feels guilty about how society or her friends or family would judge her for what she wants. Add to that the emotional immaturity of a 17 year old (sorry 17 year olds, but I was 17 once too) and you've got a big mess. Although there are a lot of possible explanations for her behavior, in the end it really doesn't matter. She's now controlling the frame and dragging you into her world of emotional turmoil. Your options are to either grab the reigns back or jump off the horse and find another one. In order to do the former, you have to be willing to do the latter. There are a million ways to handle this, but they all involve things you probably don't want to do. A simple text saying "we're done" would certainly push things to A conclusion, but not necessarily the one you want. If she calls crying saying "no no no", you have to lay down your rules, which include no flaking. Set up a meeting to discuss further, and let her know if she flakes, it is truly over.

[You can always get back together in a month. ]

If "we're done" gets a response like, "yeah, I know" or "Ok", well, it was already over. You've just saved yourself months of flakey behavior and emotional bullshit.

1. create options in your life, don't hang your whole world on one girl
2. let her know you value her, but she needs to be cool to stay part of your world. You don't tolerate flakes.

Good luck.

Don't quit!

I recently posted some advice on a popular PUA forum that I thought I would share on my blog as well. Most of us have reached that point where we are so frustrated we're ready to give up on "The Game". The original poster had reached that place. I asked some questions, got his answers and gave some targeted advice:

1. how old are you = 19 2. what are your goals (in terms of what PUA skills will get you. LTR? Quick lay?) = At the moment, I just want to get laid because I'm a virgin. Maybe after a LTR will be want I want. 3. What PUA material did you primarily study and use. = I started of using David Deangelo cocky funny type of stuff. 4. Can you open? Build rapport? at what point do you get blown out? = I can open now and then, still find it really difficult. Rapport building is even harder because I find it to keep a conversation going. I actually don't get blown out, I choose to LEAVE a set because I have nothing else to say. 5. How does it feel when you're in a set? Are you inside your head or in the moment? = Definetely inside my head. I think way to much when I'm trying to game a girl. 6. What is something you do in your non-Game life that you really enjoy, that makes you happy, that you're good at? = Probably just working out. Healthy body, healthy mind.

Ok, let's take these one by one.

1. 19 and a virgin is not a big deal. You need to get out of the mindset that this is some kind of emergency situation you have to take care of this second, because it's going to put you in a needy frame, and women can smell that from a mile away. Now if you were 50 . . .

2. Based on your answer to 4, you need to make losing your virginity a secondary goal. Small chunk the process and focus on the first step towards that goal. Your primary goal for now should be to improve your opening skills. Once you have that handled, your goal should be to improve building rapport, staying out of your mind and in the moment, and letting the conversation flow naturally. You can also work on becoming comfortable with those moments when things seem to stall out. Instead of bailing, ride the wave of tension and turn that into sexual tension. (This is something 60 Years of Challenge talks about, and while I would not build my whole game around it, it's a very powerful tool to use)

3. I like David D a lot. I've studied most of the techniques out there. Ultimately, you have to find one that fits your personality and then put your own spin on it. If you ever watch something like Transformations from Real Social Dynamics, you'll see that each of those guys has their own personality and their own strength in using the "natural" style, even though they all work off the same playbook. Don't try to be David D. Try to be you. It can be very hard for people to realize this sometimes, but the most valuable tool you have is you. You are one of a kind. I know that sounds cliché, but it's absolutely true. Bring out your best self, and add in the PUA tools that feel congruent and that work for you.

4. Leaving the set is a face saving measure. You've done the hard work of opening and getting the conversation going, now you should just let it flow. The only thing interrupting that flow is you getting inside your head. I honestly think you're better off having a boring conversation about nothing, than trying to come up with the best thing to say in that moment. The former shows you are not needy, you aren't trying to impress her, you're just being yourself, talking about normal things. You can be saying, "yeah, I did my laundry today. There were some pretty sketchy people at the laundromat." Who cares. It's better than standing there looking panicked and thinking "ok, what do I talk about now? Should I neg her? Am I being cocky enough?" Once you relax, you can focus on your body language, which is more important than what you're saying anyway. And have a ready arsenal of open ended questions you can ask her. They are more valuable than routines. Something like, "you have a great smile, but there's something sneaky in there. You're not a con artist are you? [She says whatever]. Well, what's the sneakiest thing you ever got away with? [Have a story of your own ready after hers. Something from real life you don't have to memorize. Funny and positive, not something like, "I once killed a man."]"

5. This is the key right here. My advice to everyone on the planet is the same. Meditate. Learn how here: [link]
This will do so much for you I don't even know where to start, but one thing it will definitely do is help you turn off your "monkey mind" and just be in the moment. This is an essential skill of life, not just pickup. This is the most important piece of advice I'm giving you, right here. I know it sounds like I'm trying to sell you a religion or some crap like that. I'm not. Try it.

6. Working out is great, but doesn't give you much to talk about. What are some hobbies or activities you'd like to try? It doesn't matter what it is. Anything can be a road to building your skills and confidence, and becoming a more well rounded and interesting person. I don't care if its stamp collecting. Personally, I love playing guitar and photography, among other things. I didn't start either one to get girls, but they both sure help. And of course, a dance class is always a good idea for any budding PUA. It will make you more aware of how to use your body. Can you think of how that might be useful?

With 5 years of practice, you are already way ahead of most men your age. You have already achieved more than you realize, because you're judging your success by one goal, losing virginity, and ignoring all the success you've had in improving your abilities. Taking a break might be a good idea, but you need to have a game plan for the future. I hope the above helps with that. I've been where you are right now, and I know the frustration. I also know what it took to break free. You can do this, and you will.

Good luck.