The Zen of Meeting Women blog

The Zen of One-itis

2011-09-25T08:42:00.000-05:00

The Zen of Oneitis

What’s the number one issue I get asked about? “There’s thisone girl I have a crush on, how do I get her?” If you’re stuck on one girl andsearching the PUA forums for the secret trick that will win her over, you’vegot “one-itis,” also known as 1itis.

What is one-itis?

It’s an obsession with one girl, to the point that you feelyou absolutely must win her over. She must be yours.

The good thing about one-itis

I know it sounds crazy to say, but there is one good thingabout one-itis. It’s what draws many people to learn more about how to improvetheir skills with women. And it frequently leads them to a place where they arecreating abundance in their lives rather than obsessing over one woman.

What’s the cure for one-itis?

Embark on a path that leads you away from neediness andobsession, away from attachment and towards a clearer vision of reality. Thereare many women in the world. The one that you are obsessing over may be a rarespecimen, but what’s more likely true is that you have placed her high on a pedestal.This alone is a turn off to most women, and makes it impossible for you torelate to her as a real person. Instead, you are reacting to and seeking thefalse image that you’ve created of this person in your own mind. The perfectglowing wonderfulness exists only in your mind. In reality, she is a person whopees and farts and grows old and dies. What you are obsessing over is a veneer,it’s an illusion.

One of the best ways to stop getting caught in attachment isto be aware of it, and one of the best ways to achieve this is through dailymeditation. I’ve already posted about how to do this, and I suggest you readthat post.

But beyond meditation, you need to improve your socialskills and specifically your skills with women. You need to realize that bygetting outside your head, by being one with the moment, by being present andreal, you will achieve far more success with women.

Abundance

Ask yourself, if I were dating 5 other women right now,would I be as obsessed about this one girl? If the answer is no, then why areyou torturing yourself over her. Go date those 5 other women. Or 10 or 20. Orjust one for that matter, but one that you really see for who she is, not theobject of obsession and attachment.

If the answer is, yes, I’d still want her and only her, noother woman could ever take her place, well I frankly have a hard timebelieving that, but ok. Let’s say that she’s it. Your soul mate. But she justdoesn’t see it for some reason. I can guarantee you that you’ll have a betterchance of attracting her if she sees you as successful with women thanunsuccessful with women. Why?

Imagine a bum comes up to you with his hand out, asking formoney. Now imagine a well-dressed man comes up to you and tells you a funnyjoke. One is seeking value, the other offering value. One is approachingbecause he wants something from you. This is repellant. The other doesn’t wantanything at all except to share something of value he already has. This isattractive.

If you already have success with women in your life, and yetyou still approach her and talk to her, she knows that you are not doing sofrom a place of neediness, but from a place of genuine interest in connectingwith who she really is. You see something of value in her that represents herreality, not just her boobs. This is very flattering and very attractive to awoman.

Yeah, but, how do Iget this one girl?

Some people are so stuck inside their own attachment andobsession, you can show them the way out and they just won’t see it. They wouldrather dwell in these strong emotions, never realizing that they are the onescreating them and entrapping themselves within.

There are many great women out there. There are many greatexperiences awaiting you. There are specific things you can do to improve yourinteractions and success with women. For the nuts and bolts of that process, Iobviously recommend my book, The Zenof Meeting Women.

The important thing to remember is, you already haveeverything you need right now to bring a great woman into your life. But thereis a lot of clutter and old habits that need to be swept away first. Embark onthat journey and keep moving forward, even when it feels like you’re not makingthe progress you want. Jump over each hurdle, even if you trip and fall over afew.

There is a great deal of suffering in this world, but there is a way outof suffering, and part of that is seeing clearly how much of our own sufferingis self-created. Obsession and attachment lead to suffering. See them for whatthey are, learn how to stop spinning in that circle, start moving forward, andyou will travel to places you never imagined. You will live a life of freedomand abundance.

Start now

The difference between 1 and 0

2011-09-11T14:14:00.000-05:00

Some days you don’t feel like going out at all. You justwant to lie on the couch and veg out. All day. The problem is this can becomeyour daily routine very easily. You need to push yourself to go out becausestaying in is so much easier.

But if you stay in, it’s pretty much 100% guaranteed thatyou will not meet any new women, you will not improve your game, and you willnot advance in the process of becoming the man you want to be.

Now imagine if you make this deal with yourself: I’m justgoing to go to the grocery store, or the book store, or anywhere I know therewill be at least a few women around. And I will make at least one approach. Itcan just be a quick comment. But I have to reach out at least one time, outsidemy personal little bubble, and connect with another breathing human. Then I cango home and veg out.

Two things will happen. First, you have just increased youchances of meeting a woman and improving your skills infinitely. One is notjust a little bit more than zero. It’s the difference between no possibility ofsuccess and a universe of possibility and success. It’s the difference betweendeath and life. If you plant a seed, it may or may not grow. But if you don’tplant one, you know for a fact you’re getting nothing.

Make every day a one, not a zero. Every day, no matter what,approach at least one woman. Smile. Say hi. Tell her you like her style. Tellher you read that book she’s reading and you really liked it. Even if you justask for directions, it’s still better than nothing. It’s still a one instead ofa zero. It moves you that much closer to your goals. It moves you one stepforward in this process of constant improvement and learning.

Oh, and I said two things would happen. The second thing isafter your first approach you might suddenly feel like making more approaches.In which case, keep going. One is the beginning, not the end. Keep going, everyday, day after day, until you reach your goals. Then set new goals, and keepgoing. Keep going until you run out of days. Between now and then, make everyday a great one.

When to follow rules and when to follow your gut

2011-09-04T06:20:00.001-05:00

So when are rules good or bad? . . . I'm confused, is there a way to tell when to follow Game and when to act naturally?

This is a great question and really gets to the heart of what this process is about. I'd have to say, the newer one is to pickup, the more likely that rules will help him avoid/change past behavior that was hurting his chances of success. But over time, it's good to experiment with replacing these with rules of your own.

Something like the 3 second rule is probably a good one to follow regardless of what system you use, even a totally natural style. It forces you to dive in. Even if it results in you starting the day/night with a crappy set, that will remind you that a crappy set isn't as bad as standing there trying to come up with things to say while she walks off with her friends.

In the end I think the underlying concepts behind the rules are more important than the rules. So you mention don't call twice so you don't seem needy. The important thing here is, don't seem needy. But for newbies, if you tell them this they'll just say, "ok, how do I not seem needy." They've been rehearsing needy for a long time and need a "rule" to force a behavior change.

Rules are training wheels, and eventually you just won't need them because you know how to balance the bike. And that's when the real fun begins.

How to meditate

2011-09-03T11:25:00.003-05:00

Here, for the first time anywhere online, is a brief exert from my book, The Zen of Meeting Women:

How to meditate

Meditation is very easy, and the more you do it, the easierit gets. I suggest you start out meditating 5 minutes a day, every day. Thenincrease that to 10 minutes, and so on, until you get to about 30 or 40 minutesa day. If that’s too much, do it for less time, but do it every day. You’llrealize the best results that way. Better you should meditate 5 minutes a day,every day, than 40 minutes every other day. Make this a part of your life.Here’s what you need to do:

Sit in a comfortable stable position

You don’t have to sit in a full lotus position, although ifyou can, that’s a very stable position to sit in. If you choose to do a fulllotus, use a thick pillow to sit on so your butt is higher than your knees, andyour knees are on the floor. There are other positions you can use on the floorsuch as half lotus and Burmese. To learn more, take a look at the pictures at:

http://www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php

If you don’t want to sit on the floor, sit on a chair. Youstill might want a pillow, it can help get you in a comfortable position. Sitslightly forward on the chair, and don’t lean back against the backrest.

The important thing is to find a stable sittingposition that won’t have you squirming around and fidgeting. You need to sitstill and breathe, so find a position that allows that.

Head tilted slightly down

Your head should be facing forward and tilted slightly down.This should feel comfortable and natural. If your head is tilted so far downthat it’s interfering with your breathing, you’re tilting too much.

Eyes almost closed

Your eyes should be almost but not quite shut. Look at aspot on the floor a few feet in front of you. This should feel comfortable, notstrained.

Hands in cosmic mudra

Your hands should be resting in your lap, right hand firstwith the palm up, then left hand on top, of the right, palm up. Your thumbsshould be close but not quite touching, with enough space to just pass a sheetof paper between them. This hand position is called the cosmic mudra. There areother mudras, but this one is good for our purposes. It also has the coolestname.

One way to check if you’ve got your mind on yourmeditation is to check the thumbs. If they are pressed together or are farapart, get them back in the right spot, almost touching, and continue.

Back upright and comfortable

Your back should be upright, but don’t strain to make itperfectly straight or arched. Just sit up in a comfortable position. This mighttake some practice. Before you start meditating, you can rock from side to sidetill you find the mid-point. Then rock forward and back in ever decreasing arcsto find the balance point in the middle. Don’t slump forward as this willaffect your breathing. Don’t tighten the back muscles as this will get painfulfast. Over time this will become easier. In the beginning it will take a bit oftrial and error. It’s all part of the process, so don’t let it stress you out.

Breathe down to your belly

Many of us get in the bad habit of breathing into our chestrather than all the way down to our belly. Your stomach should gently rise andfall as you breathe. Don’t try to slow down your breathing, just breathe at acomfortable rate and be aware of your breathing. You can focus either on thefeeling of the air going in and out of your nose, or the feeling of the airmaking your belly rise and fall. As your meditation continues your breathingwill naturally slow down. That’s fine. Don’t try to control it, just be awareof it. How does it feel? Your breath is always with you, so it’s a nice thingto focus on. All living things are breathing with you, even the trees and thegrass. The universe is breathing.

Mind aware of thoughts

Your mind will do its normal thing, which is to think thinkthink. You will get distracted, and ride off on this tangent and that. That’sgoing to happen. Once you become aware of it, gently bring your mind back toyour breathing. Ultimately, you will be able to see your thoughts floating bylike clouds, rather than getting wrapped up in them and carried off. This takestime and is a process of constant improvement. Don’t worry if you keep gettingdistracted. Just come back to the breathing. Again, don’t let any of thisstress you out. From the very first moment you sit to meditate, you are doingit right, and will continue to improve.

Count your breaths

One way to keep your mind focused on your breathing is tocount each breath. At first, you can count up from 1 to 10, counting each inand each out breath. Then start over at 1. This is harder than it sounds, butwill become easier.

When that becomes easy, which could take weeks ormonths, start counting just the out breaths, 1 to 10, 1 to 10, on and on.Really focus on each number as you say it silently in your head.

Breathe in, then out: ooooonnnnneeee.

Breathe in, then out: twoooooooooooo.

And so on. If you lose the count, and you will fromtime to time, start over at 1. This is not a contest, it is a process. Itbecomes easier with practice, and you’ll find it another great way to monitorhow well you’re focusing on your breathing rather than getting lost inthoughts.

Eventually, you might want to stop counting, but somepeople continue this for years. This is still real meditation, even if you dothe counting.

Problemsyou might encounter

Feeling uncomfortable

At first, just sitting still for this long will be hard.Your body wants to move around. But only by quieting the body can you quiet themind. Sit very still, and focus on your breathing and your counting. Stay withit. This does get easier, but only if you stick with it.

Itching

If you feel an itch, focus on it. What does it feel like?What is an itch? Don’t try to make it go away, just let your mind focus on it.Don’t scratch. If you scratch one itch, another pops up somewhere else, and soon. Just let it go. This is very hard to do. It’s also great training forfocusing the mind and staying in the moment. You can be aware of what’shappening without it controlling you. Right? Keep at it.

Lost in thoughts

This is the biggy, and although I’ve already mentioned it, Iwant to emphasize that your brain just isn’t going to shut up. What it will do,eventually, is calm down. Rather than hurling 50 ideas per second at you, itmight just be an occasional thought, floating by. You can be aware of thatthought, consider it, and let it go. Effortlessly. This takes time. Meditateevery day and you will see progress. If you find yourself getting lost inthoughts, do not get angry at yourself or scold yourself. This is part of theprocess. You’re human. Humans think a lot. You’ll be amazed how much thinkingyour brain does. It’s really something. Let it do its thing, you do your thing,and it will all work out.

Othertypes of meditation

There are many types of meditation, perhaps thousands. I’mteaching you one. It’s all you’ll ever need. If you want to try other kinds, bemy guest. I would warn, however, that if you are under active psychiatric care,you should consult with your psychiatrist before getting into meditation. Thetype of meditation I’m teaching you is called Zazen, and if you go to a Zentemple this is the type of meditation you’ll see people doing. Eventually, youcan leave off the number counting and just sit. Or you can focus on solving akoan, which is a sort of Zen riddle. If any of this interests you, I want toremind you; life is short. Don’t wait for “some day” to seek out a Zen teacher.Do it today and learn more. It’s a great way to meet people. And meeting peopleis a good way to work on the social skills that you’ll be using as we progressthrough this book.

See how it all connects? Start noticing that more inyour life. The universe is one big happening and we’re all part of it. Just abig stew of atoms floating around. If you don’t want to study Zen, studyphysics and astronomy. It’s practically the same thing.

Whoops, see how my mind got lost on a tangent. Weird.Let’s get back to business. While we’re on the subject of meditation, I want tobriefly tell you about another type of meditation that might interest you, andthen I’m going to give you your first assignment.

Mindfulness meditation is being aware or “mindful” ofstuff. What stuff? You know . . . stuff! Trees, birds, grass, sky, table, thetaste of your food, how it feels to walk, how the wind sounds rustling theleaves. Feel free to experiment with focusing on something in your immediatesurroundings for a while, it can be very relaxing. But that’s not theassignment. That’s extra credit. The assignment is as follows.

First of all, I want you to start meditating every day.Give it a try. Come on, humor me. Second of all, for one whole day I want youto focus on people. People you pass on the sidewalk, people you interact with,people you see driving by. What do they look like? How do they stand, walk,sit? What do they tell you with their body language, with their posture, withtheir expression and tone of voice? Could they change any of these things ifthey wanted to? Would it change your reaction to them? Can you change thesethings about yourself? How is your posture, expression, tone of voice? Can youconsciously change them? For how long? What are your “default” settings? Payattention to this stuff and think about it. This is important stuff. Wecommunicate an awful lot to each other without even opening our mouths. Humansare very perceptive. Tap into that and see what you learn from the process. Youmight want to carry a notebook and write down your observations. You might makethis a daily habit.

One more thing. If you happen to see a woman you like,notice what it is about her that caught your eye. Her hair? Her smile? Herbody? The way she moves? Her energy? Was she laughing? What attracted you? Why?Did you manage to catch her eye? How did that feel? Was there a little chargeof electricity? Fear? Excitement? Be aware of this stuff. You aren’t trying tochange your natural reactions. Just become aware of them.

In summary then; be aware.

Now.

She was just . . . 17

2011-09-03T08:37:00.002-05:00

I got a question from a guy dating a 17 year old. She was getting flakey, avoiding meeting with him, then acting interested, then being flakey again. Here was my advice:

She probably has no idea what she wants, or is confused about what she wants, or feels guilty about how society or her friends or family would judge her for what she wants. Add to that the emotional immaturity of a 17 year old (sorry 17 year olds, but I was 17 once too) and you've got a big mess. Although there are a lot of possible explanations for her behavior, in the end it really doesn't matter. She's now controlling the frame and dragging you into her world of emotional turmoil. Your options are to either grab the reigns back or jump off the horse and find another one. In order to do the former, you have to be willing to do the latter. There are a million ways to handle this, but they all involve things you probably don't want to do. A simple text saying "we're done" would certainly push things to A conclusion, but not necessarily the one you want. If she calls crying saying "no no no", you have to lay down your rules, which include no flaking. Set up a meeting to discuss further, and let her know if she flakes, it is truly over.

[You can always get back together in a month. ]

If "we're done" gets a response like, "yeah, I know" or "Ok", well, it was already over. You've just saved yourself months of flakey behavior and emotional bullshit.

1. create options in your life, don't hang your whole world on one girl
2. let her know you value her, but she needs to be cool to stay part of your world. You don't tolerate flakes.

Good luck.

Don't quit!

2011-09-02T10:09:00.002-05:00

I recently posted some advice on a popular PUA forum that I thought I would share on my blog as well. Most of us have reached that point where we are so frustrated we're ready to give up on "The Game". The original poster had reached that place. I asked some questions, got his answers and gave some targeted advice:

1. how old are you = 19
2. what are your goals (in terms of what PUA skills will get you. LTR? Quick lay?) = At the moment, I just want to get laid because I'm a virgin. Maybe after a LTR will be want I want.
3. What PUA material did you primarily study and use. = I started of using David Deangelo cocky funny type of stuff.
4. Can you open? Build rapport? at what point do you get blown out? = I can open now and then, still find it really difficult. Rapport building is even harder because I find it to keep a conversation going. I actually don't get blown out, I choose to LEAVE a set because I have nothing else to say.
5. How does it feel when you're in a set? Are you inside your head or in the moment? = Definetely inside my head. I think way to much when I'm trying to game a girl.
6. What is something you do in your non-Game life that you really enjoy, that makes you happy, that you're good at? = Probably just working out. Healthy body, healthy mind.

Ok, let's take these one by one.

1. 19 and a virgin is not a big deal. You need to get out of the mindset that this is some kind of emergency situation you have to take care of this second, because it's going to put you in a needy frame, and women can smell that from a mile away. Now if you were 50 . . .

2. Based on your answer to 4, you need to make losing your virginity a secondary goal. Small chunk the process and focus on the first step towards that goal. Your primary goal for now should be to improve your opening skills. Once you have that handled, your goal should be to improve building rapport, staying out of your mind and in the moment, and letting the conversation flow naturally. You can also work on becoming comfortable with those moments when things seem to stall out. Instead of bailing, ride the wave of tension and turn that into sexual tension. (This is something 60 Years of Challenge talks about, and while I would not build my whole game around it, it's a very powerful tool to use)

3. I like David D a lot. I've studied most of the techniques out there. Ultimately, you have to find one that fits your personality and then put your own spin on it. If you ever watch something like Transformations from Real Social Dynamics, you'll see that each of those guys has their own personality and their own strength in using the "natural" style, even though they all work off the same playbook. Don't try to be David D. Try to be you. It can be very hard for people to realize this sometimes, but the most valuable tool you have is you. You are one of a kind. I know that sounds cliché, but it's absolutely true. Bring out your best self, and add in the PUA tools that feel congruent and that work for you.

4. Leaving the set is a face saving measure. You've done the hard work of opening and getting the conversation going, now you should just let it flow. The only thing interrupting that flow is you getting inside your head. I honestly think you're better off having a boring conversation about nothing, than trying to come up with the best thing to say in that moment. The former shows you are not needy, you aren't trying to impress her, you're just being yourself, talking about normal things. You can be saying, "yeah, I did my laundry today. There were some pretty sketchy people at the laundromat." Who cares. It's better than standing there looking panicked and thinking "ok, what do I talk about now? Should I neg her? Am I being cocky enough?" Once you relax, you can focus on your body language, which is more important than what you're saying anyway. And have a ready arsenal of open ended questions you can ask her. They are more valuable than routines. Something like, "you have a great smile, but there's something sneaky in there. You're not a con artist are you? [She says whatever]. Well, what's the sneakiest thing you ever got away with? [Have a story of your own ready after hers. Something from real life you don't have to memorize. Funny and positive, not something like, "I once killed a man."]"

5. This is the key right here. My advice to everyone on the planet is the same. Meditate. Learn how here: [link]
This will do so much for you I don't even know where to start, but one thing it will definitely do is help you turn off your "monkey mind" and just be in the moment. This is an essential skill of life, not just pickup. This is the most important piece of advice I'm giving you, right here. I know it sounds like I'm trying to sell you a religion or some crap like that. I'm not. Try it.

6. Working out is great, but doesn't give you much to talk about. What are some hobbies or activities you'd like to try? It doesn't matter what it is. Anything can be a road to building your skills and confidence, and becoming a more well rounded and interesting person. I don't care if its stamp collecting. Personally, I love playing guitar and photography, among other things. I didn't start either one to get girls, but they both sure help. And of course, a dance class is always a good idea for any budding PUA. It will make you more aware of how to use your body. Can you think of how that might be useful?

With 5 years of practice, you are already way ahead of most men your age. You have already achieved more than you realize, because you're judging your success by one goal, losing virginity, and ignoring all the success you've had in improving your abilities. Taking a break might be a good idea, but you need to have a game plan for the future. I hope the above helps with that. I've been where you are right now, and I know the frustration. I also know what it took to break free. You can do this, and you will.

Good luck.

2nd Edition now available at Amazon

2008-10-03T06:39:00.001-05:00

I'm happy to say the new edition is now on Amazon and selling fast. Get the 2nd edition of The Zen of Meeting Women today.

The Zen of Meeting Women 2nd Edition now available

2008-07-31T14:28:00.003-05:00

If you order the book through this website you'll get the brand new hot off the presses 2nd edition. It should be available on Amazon soon, but for now they are still selling the 1st edition. I'll keep you posted.

I revised and updated the entire book, with the major changes being addition of sections on night game, set theory, and meeting women online. Same great book, with some new extras.

A Giggle is Enough

2007-12-05T08:46:00.000-06:00

What if you decided you wanted to learn to fly an airplane, but you knew nothing about it? Would you just climb in the cockpit of a 747 and give it a try? What would your odds of success be? What are the odds that you crash and burn?

I see many people new to the “Pickup Artist” community trying to become Mystery or Style or Juggler or whomever overnight. They can’t understand why they hit sticking points, and sometimes assume it’s something wrong with them. The problem is, you need to learn every step of the process in a logical progression. Whether you use Mystery Method, Zen Method, or whatever method, you need to take it a step at a time and work on the areas where you get stuck.

For many beginners, the approach is the biggest hurdle, and for many “Master Pickup Artists” approach anxiety is still an issue. Working on this issue in isolation will help you build your “approach muscles” to the point that you can then concentrate on other aspects of your method. One easy way to do this is set a very easy goal for yourself. Approach women and say something, anything, that will get them to laugh, giggle, or at least smile. That’s it. After that if you want to just walk off, or say, “nice talking to you,” and walk off, that’s fine. Very low pressure. Just get the giggle and go.

You’ll learn a lot of things from this simple exercise. First, that you will get a positive response from almost every woman you approach. It’s amazing how friendly most women are. Second, you get a real buzz from this. It’s fun to interact with other people. Just by virtue of being human, even if you consider yourself the most anti-social person on earth, the truth is your brain is hard wired for social interaction. Tapping into that part of yourself feels good, even if you have to dust off some cobwebs first.

Finally, I think you’ll find that you want the interaction to continue. The nervousness becomes secondary to the desire to keep it going. How to keep it going is detailed in my book, as well as the many other methods out there. Pick one and study it. Once you’re consistently getting the giggle, you’ll want to start going for the gold.

Good luck.

Excuses, excuses, excuses . . .

2007-11-27T14:49:00.000-06:00

The human mind is an amazingly powerful tool. But part of that power is the power to rationalize. It’s very tempting, and very easy, to let ourselves off the hook, not follow through on something we intended to do, or otherwise flake out. And after the fact, our brains go into overdrive coming up with perfectly logical reasons for the flake out. “Hey, the reason I overslept this morning and didn’t exercise is that sleep is really important for health.” Ok, that sounds logical. But logic won’t get the flab off. “The reason I ditched my plan to go out and try to meet women last night is I really needed to catch up on my email. I can’t just let it pile up.” Sure, that makes sense. Except it’s keeping you from getting the results you want.

Which points to a solution I’m going to suggest. The next time you find yourself rationalizing or making excuses, no matter how trivial, I want you to stop. Place that rational thought under arrest for a moment. Put it in a holding cell. It will be screaming that it has rights and wants to talk to its attorney, but just ignore it for now. Ok? Now ask yourself, what is my objective? Is my objective to sleep more or lose weight? Is my objective to check email more often or go out and meet women more often? Do I want to improve my socializing skills? How can I accomplish that? What path gets me there quicker?

Stay focused on your objectives. Back in high school when I was a band nerd, our band director had a sign on the door of his office that said, “Results, not excuses.” That sure stopped you in your tracks when you were coming in to explain why you couldn’t make the big concert, or hadn’t practiced your part.

Our brains are powerful tools, but don’t let the tool take control. Focus your mind like a laser beam on your objectives, and single mindedly pursue them. Let that laser blast away excuses and forge a path to the results you desire. You can make it happen. You’ve got everything you need right now.

Good luck.

The Game is Played in the Field

2007-11-27T11:59:00.000-06:00

I was looking through my copy of Mystery Method and hit this section, which I thought I'd toss up on the blog for your edification.

The Game is not played on a computer or the Internet. It's not played in a book. It's played in the real world, with real people and real situations. Only through repeated practice in the field can we gain intuition and skill. Over time, these methods become habitual. Once internalized over a few disciplined weeks, it is in fact easier to keep doing them than to stop.
Focus on building your skill, not on getting laid or meeting your new girlfriend. Think of it like you are learning a new video game.
Don't obsess over a particular woman. Forget about that girl you have been pining over for the past three months.
Don't bother getting good at fixing things in the damage zone. It's easier to attract a new woman than it is to fix things when they go wrong with your existing target. (When things go right, attraction is created in seconds or minutes, and sex occurs in four to ten hours.)

Some good advice. He's actually packed a lot in here. Let's break it down a bit.
1. Get off your butt and go practice your game in the real world. That's where you'll really learn how to do this stuff.
2. Focus on learning and improving, not on getting laid.
3. Start fresh. Instead of putting energy into that one girl you've been wanting to nail, just get out and meet lot's of new women. Work on your skills.

All good stuff. I see a lot of newbies drawn to PUA because there's this "one girl" they've been working on, and they haven't made any progress, or they've gotten stuck. Nothing wrong with that, but what if you dropped her for a month and met 100 new women instead of working on her. Would that get her attention, seeing you with a new woman every time she passes you by? Would the total freeze out get her attention? Only one way to find out, my friends. The Game is played in the field, so that's where you need to be.

Good luck.

PUA Overdose? Empty your cup.

2007-11-19T19:23:00.000-06:00

A professor visited a Zen Master, hoping to learn about Zen. "May I get you some tea?" asked the Master, showing the Professor into his den and offering him a seat. "Yes, thank you, I'd appreciate that," said the Professor.The Master poured the tea from a large teapot into the cup, and continued pouring the tea as the cup filled and ran over the side onto the table, and then onto the floor. The Master continued pouring the tea. The Professor finally jumped and yelled, "STOP, the cup is overfull, the tea is pouring all over the floor." The Master put the teapot down, and said to the Professor, "Before I can teach you about Zen, you must first empty your cup."

So first off, we've learned a valuable lesson. If you visit a Zen Master, wear your galoshes. But seriously now folks, what's this story all about? I see many people who are new to PUA take the same route. Often they start off reading “The Game”. They want to take the same path that Neil Strauss did, they want to learn every style of PUA. Soon they are reading every eBook and listening to every MP3 out there. This causes two problems. First, when do they have time to practice what they read? Second, once they have the chance, which style should they use? Some people end up with the full cup syndrome, there’s no room left to learn because the cup is already full, or overflowing.

So how does one empty the cup? I find meditation extremely helpful in returning me to “beginner’s mind.” This is the state of not knowing, just being. Forget everything you’ve learned and just be in this moment, totally free and without preconception or judgment. From that place of total freedom you can do anything. Even approach that HB10 over there.

There is a great deal to be learned out there, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Keep an open mind, and try to be spontaneous in your approach. Leave room in the cup for new experiences so you continue to experiment and learn.

To learn more about Zen meditation and meeting women, I encourage you to buy my book, “The Zen of Meeting Women”.

The “Pre-Sarge Meditation” – getting in the right frame of mind

2007-11-17T08:03:00.000-06:00

Sarge – 1. verb: to pick up women, or to go out to try and meet women. 2. noun: a woman who has been picked up. Origin: Aardvark.

-"The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists", by Neil Strauss

Everyone has their own way of getting psyched up before going out to meet women. Here’s a special meditation I’ve come up with to get you in the right frame of mind. Try it out and see for yourself if it should be part of your pre-sarge routine.

Sit in a comfortable position. If you’re in a chair, sit forward and don’t lean against the back, just sit up. Hands in your lap or in the “cosmic mudra.” Eyes closed most of the way, but not completely, head tilted slightly down. Take a deep breath, then let your breathing become normal. Be aware of it, but don’t control it.

Be aware of the feelings and emotions you’re experiencing right now, in anticipation of going out to meet women. There might be good stuff and bad stuff, but don’t evaluate it. Just be aware of it. Perhaps you feel elated, excited, nervous, worried, anxious, confused. Don’t dwell on any one feeling, emotion, or thought. Just be aware of them, like watching clouds floating by. Acknowledge each one, and let it go. Continue to be aware of your breathing as you do this. Your attention will drift back and forth, that’s ok. Just come back from time to time to your breathing. This will help make sure you aren’t attaching to and getting lost in any one thought or emotion. Let it all happen.

You should do this for at least 5 minutes, and no more than 20 if you’re new to meditation. If you’re an experienced meditator, use your own judgment. When you are done, stand up and see if you are still in the moment, still in that space where you can be aware without attaching or judging. Can you carry this with you? Can you bring it back?

While you are out meeting women, at any point in the process you can just take a deep breath to revisit this frame of mind. It’s a great space to be. It is not something fake we are trying to use to cover up feelings. It is your own true nature.

One last note for those who are new to meditation. Don’t worry about whether you are doing this “right” or not, or whether you should be feeling some certain way. There is no wrong way. Whatever you are feeling or thinking during this meditation, acknowledge it and let it go. That’s all.

Good luck.

The book is on sale right now!

2007-11-16T16:15:00.000-06:00

I'm very happy with how the book proof from the printer looks, and I'm excited to say the book is on sale. Grab it fast, folks.

I'd love to hear comments from people who buy it. The pre-release comments I got were very favorable. I think this book sums up a lot of the material out there, and adds a new layer with Zen, turning it into a much more powerful PUA technique. I also think the step by step approach will make it easy for anyone to follow. Let me know your thoughts, and as always,
Good luck.

Non-attachment and the Zen of meeting women

2007-11-15T11:31:00.000-06:00

Swallows fly in the sky,
The water reflects their images.
The swallows leave no traces,
Nor does the water retain their images.

Ok, what the heck does that mean, and what’s it got to do with meeting women? Good question. To get to the answer, we need to examine non-attachment. This is a very important concept in Zen, and a very important concept if you want to improve your skills meeting women.

Many pickup artists know this intuitively and will tell you to adopt a “makes no difference to me” attitude when approaching women. If they’re interested in talking to you great, if not, that’s fine too. While this is helpful, it is not quite there. First of all, you do care, so pretending you don’t, either to the woman or to yourself, is creating an inconsistency that can mess up your “Game.” Second, this “I don’t care” medicine isn’t strong enough, we want the real deal. The real deal is non-attachment.

So what is non-attachment? It means letting go of attachments, it means living in the moment. It means not clinging to your ideas of how things should be, but being flexible enough to live in reality, see how things are in this moment, and act based on that reality. It does NOT mean apathy. It does not mean telling yourself you don’t care. You do care, and that’s fine. Be aware of that caring, be aware of that part of yourself that desires a specific outcome. But don’t let that part rule your perceptions and thoughts. Instead, acknowledge it at the same time that you allow yourself to be aware of how things truly are.

If this all sounds like some mystical mumbo jumbo, that’s because words can only point to the concept I’m trying to explain, but they can’t get you all the way there. You have to make the final leap yourself, and taste this for yourself. So let’s start with a thought experiment. Imagine you are walking along outside on a beautiful day. You’re feeling good. Suddenly, you see an angry man yelling at another man. He’s swearing up a storm. You stand off at a distance and just watch and listen. You care about what’s happening, but you don’t know these people, and you don’t have an emotional investment in this argument. Now let’s change things. The yelling person is your boss, or someone else in your life, standing a few feet away and yelling at you. This is a very different feeling. Now your body reacts. Blood pressure goes up. Your mind races to think of come backs, excuses, ways to calm this person down or get out of this situation. Perhaps you think, “what the heck is wrong with him, what an idiot.” Perhaps you get angry.

In both scenarios the same thing is happening, just one person yelling at another. But in the second situation you are far more likely to attach to your feelings. What if you could stay present in the moment, fully aware of the situation, without letting your reactions dominate your thoughts. Rather, you could observe the situation in the same way you would observe the two people at a distance, able to think and react clearly, without attaching to your own anger or defensiveness.

Let’s make this even more concrete and take a situation familiar to us all. You are approaching a woman you see sitting on a park bench, reading. She’s beautiful. You notice the book is one that you’ve read, and you already have a great opener planned in your mind. You rehearse it over and over as you approach. Suddenly she looks up, frowns at you and say, “get away from me, can’t you see I’m reading. Go bother someone else.” Wow. What are you feeling now? What are you thinking? Will this negative experience prevent you from approaching women in the future? Will it add to your approach anxiety? Only if you attach to those feelings and thoughts. You can be aware of what she said, and aware of the feelings that initially come up inside you, but still stay flexible and aware in the moment. If you stay non-attached, instead of busying your mind with negative reactions, it can come up with a response in that moment. Perhaps you say, “Yeah, I feel that way when I’m reading too, but I’ve never had the nerve to say it out loud. You must really love that book. I think I read it in about 2 days I enjoyed it so much.” There’s no guarantee you can pull out of this crash and burn, but aren’t your chances substantially improved than if you’d just walked away dejected? Even if she continues to be rude, at least when you decide it’s time to give up on her you can walk away knowing you tried your best, and learn whatever lesson there is to be learned from the experience.

This is just one example. Don’t attach to it. Apply the principle to your own life in whatever situations you find yourself in. Try it for yourself and see what happens. Non-attachment is freedom. It quiets the “monkey mind” and lets you live consistently with your true nature. It is an important step on the path of Zen, and will help you immeasurably as you approach and meet women.

Good luck.

Break through your barriers and work on your "Game"

2007-11-12T16:40:00.000-06:00

Some women will only go out with guys who are taller than they are. I'm pretty short myself, so I've had to deal with this barrier. Like all other barriers, it's not impossible to get past, but it's an issue to be dealt with. There are also women who just won't date outside their own race, regardless of what that race is. Another barrier that can be gotten past with work.

All in all, I think each of us tend to focus on the barriers that come up most often for us, and see those as The Impenetrable Wall. It can become our excuse for not getting together with more women. In some cases, it can be the excuse for not even trying.

The great thing about learning how to approach and meet women is realizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses coming into this, but there are areas you have control over and can improve. I can spend all my time wishing I were taller, or spend the same time working on my approach, working on building attraction, working on projecting confidence, working on all of the pieces of the puzzle that improve with practice.

Work on your "Game". Build the skills that will help you break through your barriers, or make them fade away altogether.

Good luck.

Which opener is right for you?

2007-11-09T15:11:00.000-06:00

There are lots of tried and true openers out there. For some people, having a memorized opener is essential, or they fear they will freeze up. I'm all for using what works for you, but it's important at some point to start coming up with your own openers. In the end, the best openers are the ones you come up with yourself, in the moment. You look over, see a woman you want to meet, and notice something about her, the location, or what she's doing that you can riff on. To use a simple example, you see her putting on lipstick. You could say, "hey, when you're done with that can I use it?" Smile so she knows your joking.

Try to wean yourself off the canned opener and start coming up with something organic to the situation. These will always feel more natural and knowing you can do this anytime, anywhere, will help build your confidence.

Good luck!

Approach Anxiety and the HB10

2007-11-08T08:20:00.000-06:00

Some of us have worked on our "Game" enough that we can approach good looking women, but stall out and crash when we see a "10". A totally hot girl can definitely flip some switches in the old Lizard Brain, causing you to revert to AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) status in a hurry.

Here's one approach that might work in such a situation. The idea is to be honest about the fact that you're a little nervous to talk to this woman. But there's a catch. You're going to use that as a way to demonstrate higher value. How? Here's one scenario:

You see "HB10" walking your way, or standing next to you at party, or whatever. You can feel the old anxiety come up, but you force yourself to approach and say . . .

You: Oh god, I can't even talk to you
HB10: Why not?
You: I get too nervous around women I like. It's too bad too, because you seem really friendly. But now I'll never get to meet you.
HB10: Why do you get so nervous around women?
You: I'm scared you'll find out I'm a millionaire and then just marry me for my money instead of my personality. (or some other joke that does NOT lower your value. Be sure to smile so she knows you're joking)

And continue the conversation from there. Don't put yourself down.

So let me break this down.
You say something that will get her interest and let her know that you're a little nervous.
But that just makes you that much cooler for breaking through your nervousness and approaching her, so it actually demonstrates that you're a cool guy and interested in her.
You also tied your interest in her to the fact that she seems "really friendly", not just her looks.

Think this through and see if you can incorporate it into those situations where you might otherwise be too nervous to approach. Sometimes, saying your nervous is the best way to get beyond that nervousness and get into a conversation.

Good luck!

To Neg or not to Neg

2007-11-07T08:42:00.001-06:00

"Negging" is playful teasing of the girl you're interested in. It's commonly used in a situation where she is with her friends, and you're trying to get her "shield" down by playing like you aren't interested in her. It can also be used to create a playful dynamic with her. But for many people, negging just backfires. The girl feels insulted and loses interest.

So that brings us to the question, to Neg or not to Neg?

Consider just not negging at all. I think negging is over-rated and frequently done wrong. You need to establish the right playful dynamic and have some foundation of attractio and comfort built before you throw a neg. And at that point, why bother? In other words, there really is no good time for a neg. Again, just my opinion.

Mystery, one of the most famous of the pickup artists, uses negs all the time and has success with them (unless you measure success as long term relationships, based on The Game). If you watch Mystery in action, you can see that he creates a context in which a neg will be taken the right way, he's acting like a big brother when he does it. This is hard to pull off right. If you can do it, it establishes a closeness because only someone close to you would dare throw a neg.

But for most people I would advise not using negs. I think there are other safer and easier ways to establish a quick connection that feel more natural for more people.

If negs are working for you, go for it. But if you're pissing girls off with your negs, I'd leave it behind and work on other parts of your game.

Good luck.

The book will be out soon

2007-11-07T08:33:00.001-06:00

The current plan is to have the new book, "The Zen of Meeting Women", ready for purchase by the end of November. The proof is on the way to me right now for review. If all is well, it might be available a little early. Fingers crossed.

As always, visit this blog for the latest updates.

Welcome to "The Zen of Meeting Women" blog

2007-11-07T08:13:00.000-06:00

I'll be posting answers to questions, progress on publication of the new book, tips, tricks, and general PUA gossip here. Stay tuned, it should be fun.